Losing a Parent, Spouse or Child

Losing a Parent, Spouse or Child

The following suggestions are based on a series of "GriefWork" guides published by the Kentucky Cooperative Extension Service with support from the Funeral Directors Association of Kentucky. Information on coping with a child's death comes from Compassionate Friends, a nonprofit self-help organization for anyone who has lost a child.

When a Parent dies

• Forgive. Even in the best of relationships, there usually are memories that need healing. Ponder your relationship with your parent. Bring to mind points of hurt and regret. Without rushing, forgive yourself for being human and forgive your parent for the times he or she failed you. Repeat this exercise as often as you feel the need. If the hurts are deep, consider obtaining professional counseling.
• If spirituality is important to you, draw on this resource. In whatever way you relate to God (or higher power), pour out your heart and seek guidance. Times of solitude, inspirational reading, prayer, meditation and community worship can comfort and enlighten you as you confront the mystery of death.
• Write letters. Write two letters to your deceased parent. In the first, express your feelings. Let your second letter be a message of gratitude. This exercise can be especially helpful if you never expressed your gratitude when your parent was alive.
• Treasure fond memories. Collect mementos of your mother or father and put them in a scrapbook. This can be a healing adventure for you, as well as a treasure you can share with family members. Another tack is to invite your parent's close friends over and ask them to take turns sharing their memories, which you can tape record.

When a spouse dies

• Postpone unnecessary changes. Wait a while before moving or making a major career change. First allow yourself to grieve and heal. Then you'll have a fresher perspective and more energy for getting on with your life.
• Reach out to others. Although you will need time to yourself, it is also essential that you share your thoughts and feelings. Find a few people you respect and trust, and pour out your heart. You may long for romantic companionship and wonder about dating. Let that step come gradually. You'll know if and when it's the right time for you.
• Take time with your spouse's belongings. You need not sort through your spouse's clothes and other belongings right away - only when you feel ready.
• Be adventurous. After you've given yourself time to grieve and heal, let yourself dream. Then follow your heart. Redecorate your home, try a new hobby or explore new places, ideas or people.

When a child dies

• Talk about your child. After losing a child, your friends and relatives often don't know what to say. Talk about your child so that they know this is appropriate. Also tell your friends and family how they can be supportive.
• Don't fight your feelings. Guilt can be a normal part of grief. You may think you played an unwitting role in your child's death by failing to protect him or by not obtaining medical care quickly enough. To resolve your guilt, express and share these feelings, and learn to forgive yourself.
• Sidestep negative thought. When a child dies, parents may find themselves replaying their child's death scene in their minds -- an emotionally draining process, indeed. When unhealthy or self-defeating thoughts occur, tell yourself, "Stop!" while visualizing a large stop sign. Then immediately put your mind on more positive, constructive thoughts. Doing something physical also can help break the cycle of negative thinking.
• Don't forget your other children. They are grieving, too, and need your support and affirmation of your love.
• Give of yourself. In giving to others, we give to ourselves and thus promote our own healing and well-being.

What is Grief?

Grief is the normal and natural response to the loss of someone or something important to you. It is a natural part of life. Grief is a typical reaction to death, divorce, job loss, a move away from family and friends, or loss of good health due to illness.

What Does Grief Feel Like?

Following a death or loss, you may feel empty and numb, as if you are in shock. You may notice physical changes such as trembling, nausea, trouble breathing, muscle weakness, dry mouth, or trouble sleeping and eating.

Feelings of deep sadness and sorrow are common in grief. These and other feelings and thoughts are common. Often, people find themselves engaging in behaviors that are different or unusual, or thinking in ways that are unfamiliar and disturbing. Finding their beliefs challenged in grief, many people experience a kind of “spiritual crisis” following loss.

You may become angry - at a situation, a particular person, or just angry in general. Guilt is a common response which may be easier to accept and overcome by looking at the experience in terms of “regret.” When we think ”I regret I was not in the room when he died” or “I regret I was not able to speak more openly about dying” it is less critical than “I feel guilty about my behavior.”

People in grief may have strange or disturbing dreams, be absent-minded, withdraw socially, or lack the desire to participate in activities that used to be enjoyable. While these feelings and behaviors are normal during grief, they will pass.

In general, grief makes room for a lot of thoughts, behaviors, feelings and beliefs that might be considered abnormal or unusual at other times. Following significant loss, however, most of these components of grief are, in fact, quite normal.

National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization

Support for this Web site was provided by a grant from The Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, Princeton, New Jersey. http://www.rwjf.org/

Emotions and Behaviors Associated With Grief

Even in its healthiest manifestations, grief is complex in nature. It often includes a variety of emotions, which may overlap at times, occur in sequence, cycles or waves. Here are some of the emotions and behaviors that are typically associated with grief:

Emotions:

• Profound sadness
• Shock
• Disbelief
• Depression
• A sense of numbness
• Guilt
• Acute loneliness
• Anger

Behaviors:

• Crying or sobbing
• Angry outbursts
• Sleeplessness
• Fatigue
• Restlessness
• Change in appetite
• Problems concentrating

Grief is seldom a linear process. One day you'll feel fine. The next, you may cry inconsolably over your loss. Or you may think you are completely recovered from grief until a holiday, birthday, or anniversary dredges up loneliness once again.

Kenneth J. Doka, Ph.D., senior consultant to the Hospice Foundation of America (HFA), likens grief to a roller coaster that you never fully disembark. "(Grief) is full of ups and downs, highs and lows, times that we may think we are doing better and times that we are sure we are not," Doka writes in the HFA newsletter, Journeys, which he edits. "The metaphor reminds us that our sense of progress may feel very uneven."

One common misconception about grief is that it ends. "It is very, very normal and very, very natural to revisit elements of grief at various points throughout your life," Doka says. "Mostly, you've learned to live with the loss, but there might be times when the grief flares up again." Significant events, such as a wedding, can bring back feelings of grief when you realize that your loved one did not live long enough to enjoy the occasion.

Experts agree that it is important to let yourself cry over your loss, no matter how much time has passed. Sobbing promotes the release of tension and sorrow; it is one of nature's ways of cleansing and healing.

The terms "grief" and "bereavement" are often used interchangeably. But some experts draw an important distinction. Bereavement is usually characterized by feelings of rage; someone who belonged to you left or was ripped out of your life, and you feel cheated. Whether you experience bereavement depends on the sort of relationship you had with the person who died, says hospice leader N. Michael Murphy, M.D., author of "The Wisdom of Dying: Practices for Living." "If you had a very gluey kind of relationship, that can almost guarantee a difficult bereavement," Murphy says. To work through bereavement and enter into the healthy state of grief, he says, you must "let go" of the deceased and realize that no human being "belongs" to another.

Grief and children

Children tend to express their grief along a developmental continuum. A 3-year-old who has lost his mother may experience fearfulness, loss of speech, excessive crying, developmental delay and sleep disturbances. A preschooler in the same situation might have temper tantrums, nightmares and hyperactivity. Grieving school-age children may suffer academically owing to fatigue, resistance to attending school, a lack of motivation or an inability to concentrate. In some cases, bereaved children start to lie or steal. After losing someone they love, children may develop physical symptoms, such as abdominal pain, constipation or headaches.

Staying healthy for the children

It is easy to eat poorly and otherwise neglect your health during your grieving period. Nonetheless, it is important to maintain a healthy diet during this difficult time. It is also important to get adequate rest and exercise. Paying attention to your own health sets a good example for your children and helps you stay strong mentally and physically so that you can support them emotionally.

How Long Does Grief Last?

Grief lasts as long as it lasts. Although this statement may not seem helpful to you, it is true. It is different for each person. It is important to realize that, while grief and its intensity will subside, most find that it is replaced with a “sweet sadness” that comes at times of remembrance. This is simply the acknowledgement that significant loss has occurred. That the loss, and the person who is gone, matters and affects our lives.

There are many factors that affect how long a person grieves, including age, maturity, personality, physical and mental health, coping style, culture, spiritual and religious background, family background, other stressors and life experiences. The time spent grieving may also depend on how prepared a person was before the loss was experienced.

How Will I Know When I'm Done Greiving?

After a significant loss, you may be consumed and overwhelmed by the grief reactions you are experiencing. In time, as the reality of the loss sinks in, and all the changes as a result of the loss have been experienced, you will learn to adjust to living with your loss. Eventually, even after significant loss, you will realize you are grieving less as you discover renewed energy in living. You will become less consumed by the impact of the loss and begin to draw comfort rather than pain from the memories. In a sense, you are never “finished grieving.” With a significant loss, there will always be moments when you will remember the loss, and perhaps you experience some of the feelings of grief, as in the times of “sweet sadness” mentioned above. Fortunately, the time period between these surges will lengthen considerably as you learn how to cope with your loss.